EXCEL IN PARENTING
By: Denise Bennett,
PT
Growing
up I often thought too much was made of developing leadership skills. If you think about it, there are far fewer
leaders in this world than followers.
After working with children for over 30 years and raising one of my own,
I can now say that developing leadership skills is critical. In my particular specialty, behavior problems
can often be part of the issues I will address with a child. I have been asked many times “Why do they do
what you tell them but not what I tell them?” One of the pieces I can often see
missing, is a lack of leadership skills in the child’s parent. In the absence
of a true leader, the child will take over that role and they are ill equipped
for such responsibility.
One
tip I often give parents for helping solidify their role as leader is to
require the use of “asking words”. Often, children are allowed to fire off
demands or commands throughout the day. For
instance, “I’m hungry” or “I want a drink” gets them exactly what they
desire. While food and drink are necessary
for life, it is not obligatory that adults produce them on command. Requiring
the child to use asking words like “May I have a drink?” or “May I have a
snack?” not only teaches good manners, but reinforces that you are the
leader. Reinforcing this throughout the
day to play with toys, watch a show, call a grandparent, etc. helps the child
to understand the role of the parent in their lives. This lays a foundation for the child to
understand that the parent is the leader and should be respected. Children with sensory defensiveness can
struggle with this. When a child
commands me, I simply model for them what I would like in an unaccusatory manner and ask them to repeat it back to me.
The point is to teach, not to judge.
At that point, I will usually honor the request if possible, to reward
the use of asking words.
This
will also lay the foundation for effective discipline. Love and Logic is one of my favorite methods for developing discipline and
responsibility in a child. The idea of
consequences for not obeying the leader is more easily understood. For instance “I can only give toys to
children who pick them up when they are done” will be more effective.
Lastly,
when asked, I will always tell parents to first examine themselves when they
are unhappy with their child’s behavior.
Have they consistently required the use of asking words? Have they consistently used consequences when
needed? Do they let things slide when
busy or tired? Do they send mixed
messages to their child by being inconsistent in their expectations? Do they
hold others responsible for their child’s poor behavior?
Learning
to respect authorities and leaders and using good manners will only serve our
children in this life. By demonstrating
good leadership with your children, they are more likely to model that behavior
and become GOOD leaders.
